I do two hours of cardio every day. But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.
"My wife drives like thunder." "So fast?" "No, every minute she strikes a tree."
Why do black people have nice shoes and nice cars but not nice houses? Because they haven't figured out how to steal houses yet!
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
"I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm." "Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a cow?" "I d look a darn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!"
The economy got very bad in 2008. I saw a pimp driving a beat up old Volkswagon.
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. "235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"
A guy who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few drinks this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "That a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.