Two Yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper.
The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head.
"What did you do that for?" the driver asked.
"I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car."
The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver.
He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window.
When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head.
"What did you do that for?" asked the startled passenger.
"Well," responded the trooper, "I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, 'I wish that redneck woulda tried that with me!'"
One day a Georgia state patrolman pulled a car over for speeding about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95.
When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.
The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail..... there's no way in the world that I can pass that test.
Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers liscence?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Homer gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
"Now Homer", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost ?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear.
Homer whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."
How does a girl from Harlem practice safe sex?
She locks the car doors.
What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor Old Nigger Thinks It's A Cadillac!
An Atheist dies in a car crash and wakes up in a big dark room with a sign above a single door: "Welcome to Hell!"
"Shit! So the Shavelings were right after all!" the Atheist thinks, opens the door – and is stunned by the view!
A marvelous beach!
Crystal blue water, white sand, palm trees, the sun is shining and all around there are people laughing, having fun and listening to happy music or enjoying excellent food and drinks.rnLucifer, dressed in a Hawaiian Shirt, greets the Atheist, hands him a fantastic- looking cocktail and says cheerfully:
"Hey! Welcome to Hell. Have a drink, have a snack. Take a look around and enjoy yourself! See you later!"
Totally speechless at first, the Atheist finally starts to take a look around, is greeted everywhere, listens to people´s stories about their mortal lives and takes a stroll down the beach.
After a few minutes into the walk, he starts hearing cries of pain, wailing, shouts, and screams and decides to follow that noises.
Finally, the Atheist arrives at the rim of a big, black hole, takes a look down and is scared to the bone!
Down there, the place is all fire, sulfur, brimstone!
Rivers of lava, gnarled trees, and among it all the lost souls, being tormented forever by demons and devils.
"Whoa! Take it easy!"
Lucifer jumps right in to prevent the Atheist from falling into that pit and he stumbles backward, drops into the sand and stammers:
"Wha... what the HELL is that place?"
Lucifer looks down, shrugs and says: "Oh, that´s the Catholic´s department. They want it that way."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'
A Mexican and a nigger are riding in car.
Who's driving?
A cop!