The best car jokes

*Wakes up to wife and son screaming* Me: "What are you guys yelling about?" Them: "You're driving!"
Vote: has 77.84 % from 82 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, car, kids, wife
Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, but he still managed to walk it off.
Vote: has 77.75 % from 155 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, Chuck Norris
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
Vote: has 77.74 % from 24 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: air force, airplane, car, mean, work
A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act.’ "Well, show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."
Vote: has 77.41 % from 75 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, car, cop, god
I was walking by a car filled with black kids, and I heard a *click* as they locked the doors. I felt like such a bad-ass until I realized it was my car.
Vote: has 77.25 % from 881 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black people, car, kids, racist
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”
Vote: has 77.22 % from 121 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, celebrity, golf, sport
Yo momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car!
Vote: has 77.21 % from 186 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, insulting, stupid, Yo mama
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Vote: has 77.20 % from 47 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: baby, car, kids, wife
Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?". "It was at the end of this key", Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!"
Vote: has 77.17 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, bar, car, cop, god
There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car. The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?" The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in." The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?" The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger." The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
Vote: has 76.80 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, communication, stupid, weather