Knock knock. Who's there? Hatch. Hatch who? Bless you.
A man is visiting a foreign country but does not speak the language that they speak there. He decides to go to a church service, but the priest is speaking the native language, so the American man just does whatever the man in front of him does. When the man in front of him stands, so does the American man. When the man in front of him sits, so does the American man. At one point, the priest says something, and the man in front of him stood. So the American man stood too. Everyone in the church gasped, so the American man hurriedly sat back down. Later, the American man figured out that the priest was congratulating a birth. When he had asked who was the father, and both men stood up, it had caused some confusion!
Q: Why did the bodybuilder buy tape from the hardware store? A: Somebody told him he was ripped!
When somebody is totally angry, why not say: "Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."
I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.
Q: What's the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex? A: Lefty.
After a recent football game, the team went into the locker room to get out of their uniforms and to shower. In the showers, Bubba noticed that Duke has a cork shoved up his butt-hole. So, Bubba asked, "Duke, why in the world do you have a cork up your butt?" Duke answered, "Last night when I was cleaning my antique brass lamps, a genie came out of one of them. The genie said that I had one wish. I was really startled and I replied, "No shit!"
The following conversation took place after a recently deceased Pakistani man knocked on the gates of Heaven for about 5 minutes. St. Peter: "What do you want? " Pakistani man: "I'm here for Jesus." St. Peter: "Jesus, your taxi's her!! "
A man and woman were on their first date. The woman was trying to make conversation and said, "So I hear you hunt deer." The man looked away and turned red. "What's wrong?" asked the woman. "I'm not used to someone calling me dear on the first date," the man said.
My friend thinks that onion is the only fruit that can make us cry. So I just threw the coconut up to his head, he cried then.