Just had an argument with the manager in McDonald's. What a clown!
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
Q: What's the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex? A: Lefty.
They call me the cat whisperer, cause I know exactly what that pussy needs.
Work emails are like the gym. You sign up for it thinking it will be loads of fun. You get bored of it within hours. You only keep going to keep up your reputation. The more you stay away, the harder it is to go back.
My girlfriend told me that will change me. I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
A builder was once building a fence to surround a farmer's sheep. The builder finished, and the farmer was ready to pay. The builder then came up to the farmer and said: "Sir, I hope this isn't too a-fenc-ive.
I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
I was taking a golf lesson at the range one day trying to improve my game. This old pro was sitting there giving the lesson and after every swing, he said: "your standing too close the ball". So I adjusted my stance and took another swing. Again the golf pro looked up from his seat and said the Same thing "you are too close to the ball." So I stepped back a little more and swung. This went on for another six swings with the same advice and finally, out of exasperation I screamed what the hell are you talking about! The old pro said, "no no, you are too close to the ball after you hit it".
Q: Know why skeletons are so calm? A: Because nothing gets under their skin.