Q: What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A: Pork Chop.
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A college Professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there is no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent.
You could have heard a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by.
Again the Professor taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"
His count-down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just released from active duty and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor and punched him full-force in the face.
The Professor tumbled from his lofty platform, and he was out cold before he hit the floor.
At first the students were shocked, and they babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silently.
The class fell silent... waiting.
Eventually, the Professor came to.
When he finally regained the power of speech, he glared at the young Marine in the front row.
"What's the matter with you? Why on earth did you do that?"
The Marine smiled. "God was busy. He sent me."
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A man walks into a clock shop where a beautiful woman is working.
He walks to the counter unzips his fly and pulls out his cock.
The woman screams "excuse me sir this is a CLOCK SHOP".
I know replied the man "I want two hands and a face put on this".
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock.
The blonde replied, "What for? Are you going to set it on fire!"
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Judge: "You are sentenced to 2 years of solitary confinement"
Me: "Thank you."
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Two blondes were talking together:
First: "How about your engaged Jim? Is he keeping well?"
Second: "He isn't just now my engaged."
First: Hi good news. His nose was too big and his head was bald with an ugly face!"
Second: "He is now my husband!"
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In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
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Q: What did the basketball say to the player?
A: Please don't shoot me.
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Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
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Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren't.
Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody's yard.
A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog german.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn't at work.