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A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar. The bartender says "What will it be?" The sandpaper goes "Just something to take the edge off"
Drunk guy gets pulled over. Officer starts doing sobriety tests on him. The final test the officer says "if you can pass this last test I will let u go... use the words green pink and yellow in 1 sentence." So the drunk man replies "My phone went green and I pinked it up and said yellow. Have a nice day officer!"
People say that time heals all wounds. They obviously never got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris
Yo mama is so fat, it takes two texts for her to send a selfie.
Q: What do you call Bin Laden when he lost his virginity? A: Osama Bin Laiden.
My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad. Ted asked if she was going to use worms. "No," she said. "I'm going to use a fishing pole."
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition of each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.