A German woman is walking down the street. Eleven blonde guys walk up and attack her. She screams, "Nein!, Nein" So two guys walk away.
A woman came to his doctor with a left knee that was shot through. The doctor asked her: "What does it mean? Why did you shoot accurately your left knee?" The woman tells him only: "Sorry, but, you doctor, have told me that the heart is located two thumbs under my left breast."
A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. "Can you tell me what kind it is?" she asked. "Can you describe it?" I asked. "Yes," she said. "It's long and thin."
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on Little Lisa, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Lisa," replied the teacher. She then called on Little Tommy. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny... Last night, during supper, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
Q: Why do Retirees smile all the time? A: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin are having dinner. Trump orders a steak, and Putin orders the roast duck. The waiter, however, gets their plates mixed up. Trump does not wait, but rather just starts digging in. "Wow," Putin says. "Your hands make my duck look bigger."
One dinosaur said, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Another dinosaur said "A non-renewable recourse!"
You momma so stupid I see her walking the pigs down the street I'd asked "What she doing?" And she said "Going piggy back riding"!
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped.
Q: What did one boob say to the other boob? A: "It is nice to see you partner."