Q: What is the difference between a teenager on her rag and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Just had an argument with the manager in McDonald's. What a clown!
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs? A: HIGH-Definition.
In some quarters, bookstores may be considered dinosaurs, but odd customers are evergreen, as these requests to bookstore clerks prove. "Can you tell me who the author of Shakespeare is?" "I'm looking for a book, but I only know the title, not the author. It's called Dante's Inferno." "I definitely don't want nonfiction. I like autobiographies and history." "Do you have Shakespeare in English?"
A really bad impressionist walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the wrong face?"
Once upon a time, my wife and I were in the local restaurant. We have talked to each other, but after a while, I have become quiet and then I started to talk, I have said: "you know, I love you so much, I will never leave you, never, ever, every single day I think only of you, we will be always together." My wife has asked me: "Oh, darling, these words were addressed to me?" I have said only: "Oh, no, sorry, darling, this time I am talking to this bottle of beer."
A piece of sandpaper walks into a bar. The bartender says "What will it be?" The sandpaper goes "Just something to take the edge off"
Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle? A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
People say that time heals all wounds. They obviously never got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris
What did the flower say to be the bee? "Buzz off you stupid ugly horny cunt."