Q: What did the basketball say to the player? A: Please don't shoot me.
Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position. I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy. He agreed with me. I got upset that he agreed. I'm pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.
"I spent the whole evening knotsurfing!" "Don't you mean netsurfing?" "No, everyone was complaining because I tied the computer up for ages!"
I was taking a golf lesson at the range one day trying to improve my game. This old pro was sitting there giving the lesson and after every swing, he said: "your standing too close the ball". So I adjusted my stance and took another swing. Again the golf pro looked up from his seat and said the Same thing "you are too close to the ball." So I stepped back a little more and swung. This went on for another six swings with the same advice and finally, out of exasperation I screamed what the hell are you talking about! The old pro said, "no no, you are too close to the ball after you hit it".
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A man is in a mall and sees a clothes store. He sees a magnificent, brand new jacket in the shop window and decides he shall try it on and buy it. So he walks into the shop and asks an employee: "Excuse me sir." "How can I help you" the employee replies. "Could I by any chance try on that jacket in your shop window?" The employee looks at him and says "No you shall not you are to try it on in the changing rooms like everybody else!"
Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: Bigfoot, because they don't exist.
Sometimes I use really big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.