Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
A pregnant lady learns from her dentist that she needs a root canal. She says to the dentist, "darn ... I'd just as soon give birth as have a root canal". The dentist replies, "well, make up your mind so I know what position to put the chair in".
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is bloody low down"
Sometimes I use really big words which I don't understand to make me seem more photosynthesis.
A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help. "What kind of pads should I get?" she says. "This is all new to me." "Well," says the clerk, "that depends on the flow." She says, "It's ceramic tile."
Q: What did one magnet say to the other? A: I find you very attractive.
Mother: "Why was the phone busy all night?" Babysitter: "The fire department put me on hold."
Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle? A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
My friend to me "I don't understand why Chuck Norris is the butt of so many jokes." Me to the friend "Well he does kick a lot of them."
Q: What do you call a baby Mexican? A: A paragraph because he's too short to be an essay!