A professor and a doctor both love the same girl. Each one tries to get rid of the other. Once, it so happened that the professor had travel out of the country for a week. Before leaving, he gave his girlfriend seven apples and asked her to eat one every day while he was not there. When asked why, he replied,"Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away."
Mother: "Why was the phone busy all night?" Babysitter: "The fire department put me on hold."
I got in trouble for telling a joke in 5th grade. Now I have to keep 250 feet away from all schools...
Two men were talking: First : "Can U put the word 'penis' in a sentence?" Second: "Yo mama's pussy."
Let's walk and talk. You go that way.
My husband, who uses a wheelchair, showed up at his eye doctor for an appointment. The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. Have a seat." He smiled. "Done."
Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
A blonde gets her first period, so she goes to the drugstore to get some pads. The wide selection and huge variety confuse her, so she asks the clerk for some help. "What kind of pads should I get?" she says. "This is all new to me." "Well," says the clerk, "that depends on the flow." She says, "It's ceramic tile."
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"
Q: What happens when spectroscopists are idle? A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.