Me: "I love you." You: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
Q: What did the pencil say to the sharpener? A: Stop going in circles and get to the point.
Two blondes were repairing a roof, with one working on one side and one on the other. After a while, one blonde noticed that her friend would carefully examine each nail before hammering it down, but half of the time she would toss the nail behind her after examining it. Figuring that there couldn't be that many bad nails, she yelled out to her friend: "Why are you tossing out all those nails?" "Well, those were all pointing the wrong way!" was the response. Infuriated, the first blonde bellowed "You, idiot! Those are for my side of the roof!!"
Can you repeat this sentence 3 times without stammering? 3 witches watch 3 Swatch watches; which witch watches which Swatch watches?
Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!" Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"
At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair." As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."
I posted a blonde joke on facebook accompanied by: "for my blonde friends... an apology". One of them responded. "You don't have to apologise for having blonde friends."
A beautiful woman who had a golden little plane necklace was seated next to a guy on the plane. During the flight all the time he was gazing at the necklace. When the woman asked him: "Are you interested in my necklace?" "No lady; I would rather its runway!" answered the guy.
Customer to Waiter: "This is the third time I'm asking you, do you serve pigs in here?!" Waiter: "Sir Please sit down, this is the 100th time I telling you, we serve everyone here."
My wife told me, "Don't get upset if someone calls you fat." "You're much bigger than that."