My friend thinks that onion is the only fruit that can make us cry. So I just threw the coconut up to his head, he cried then.
When I arrived at a hotel in order to fill in my identities I noticed the word "sex" so I wrote: YES PLEASE.
Q: What did the pencil say to the sharpener? A: Stop going in circles and get to the point.
Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!" Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"
Q: Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert? A: "Yes, the red wire."
Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: "This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself." Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had happened. He replied, "You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend."
English Class Teacher: "One day we will be corruption free. Which tense is it?" Student: "Future impossible tense."
Can you repeat this sentence 3 times without stammering? 3 witches watch 3 Swatch watches; which witch watches which Swatch watches?
"Hey Bill... Do you talk to your wife while you are having sex?" "Only if there's a phone handy", Bill replied.
I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. "I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."