Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde." Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde." The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?" The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"
"Hey Bill... Do you talk to your wife while you are having sex?" "Only if there's a phone handy", Bill replied.
Can you repeat this sentence 3 times without stammering? 3 witches watch 3 Swatch watches; which witch watches which Swatch watches?
3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you handsome, don't take it as a compliment!
Boy: "Our principal is so stupid!" Girl: "Don't you know who I am?" Boy: "No?" Girl: "I'm the principals daughter". Boy: "Do you know who I am?" Girl: "No." Boy: "Good." *walks away quickly*
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store. "Give me a couple of steaks," he says. "We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher. "Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"
I was looking at the pies offered by a nearby café. They had cherry, apple, berry, peach, and Herman's. "What type of pie is Herman's?" I asked the waiter. "Apple," he said. "Then why is it called Herman's pie?" "Because Herman called in to reserve it."
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know." Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone." Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
Anthony Weiner got in trouble with his Hispanic online name "Carlos Danger". He is now using a French online name, "Jacques Ouef".
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I...? A microwave?