A photon is checking into a hotel and the bellhop asks him "Do you have any luggage?" The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."
Innkeeper: "The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed." Guest: "I'll make my own bed." Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."
Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!" Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!"
Yo mama's so fat when she stepped on a scale it said: "A.B.C.D.E.F.G get your fat ass off of me."
Q: What did the pencil say to the sharpener? A: Stop going in circles and get to the point.
A blonde hops on and off a curb on a busy street, saying 54 over and over. A brunette walks by and asks what the blonde is doing. The blonde replies that she is jumping on and off the curb saying 54 over and over. The brunette joins her. Soon, the brunette gets hit by a passing car. The blonde watches as the car drives away. The blond then continues to jump on and off the curb, saying 55 over and over.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice? A: He didn't give a hoot!
Anthony Weiner got in trouble with his Hispanic online name "Carlos Danger". He is now using a French online name, "Jacques Ouef".