The best dad jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't ask, "who's your daddy?" Chuck Norris is your daddy.

Johny came crying. Dad: "What happened?" Johny: "Today at class when we got up from our seats for prayer, Rita, who sits in front of us, had her skirt stuck between her ass, seeing that my bench mate pulled it out." Dad: "That's bad, but why you are crying?" Johny: "I knew that's bad, so I pushed it back into her ass and she slapped me."

A father was advising his son: "If you want to have a big and strong dick in future you have to eat more walnuts." Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child did'nt eat enough walnut yourself?"

Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?" And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'm gonna go play in my room for a couple of hours. I sure would like a piece of cake after though! Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Wow!, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, "Dad, tomorrow there's a special 'Adults' evening' at school. Daddy is surprised, "Really? Special?" "Yes," nods Johnny, "it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers."

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ? The logician replies: "yes".

Johnny's father: "Let me see your report card." Johnny: "I don't have it." Johnny's father: "Why not?" Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Son: "Dad, I'm cold..." Dad: "Stand in a corner, they're usually ninety degrees!"

Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon. He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill. He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This damn thing is so heavy" A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere" Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon" The priest replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon" Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"