The best death jokes

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Stephen King , the best selling author of my time... My millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the planernThe 2nd passenger , Barack Hussein Obama, said , "I am the 44th President of the United States, and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.rnThe 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son , I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said , "That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."
Vote: has 79.61 % from 192 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, death, money, stupid, time
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween? A: On blood vessels.
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, Halloween, travel
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that." I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you." After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
Vote: has 79.52 % from 59 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, mother in law
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Vote: has 79.48 % from 83 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death, morbid, relationship, work
If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...
Vote: has 79.27 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: celebrity, death, life
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.” “Is that you, Fred?” “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “What’s it like?” “Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.” “Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.” “Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”
Vote: has 79.21 % from 343 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, dirty, heaven, husband, sex
Old man: "Can you give me an erection?" Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
Vote: has 79.18 % from 64 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, black humor, death, old people
Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.
Vote: has 79.17 % from 144 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: chemistry, death, nerd
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
Vote: has 79.06 % from 39 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: airplane, animal, death, life
Songs are not going to make us do anything we would not ordinarily do. Because if that was the case, the song "Achy Breaky Heart" would have made me kill somebody about a year ago.
Vote: has 78.80 % from 10 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, life, music


<<<10111213
More jokes →
Page 10 of 57.