The best death jokes

Old man: "Can you give me an erection?" Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
Vote: has 78.22 % from 61 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, black humor, death, old people
Q: What is a redneck's last words? A: Hold my beer and watch this!
Vote: has 78.20 % from 116 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: beer, death, redneck
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?" The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
Vote: has 78.15 % from 31 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, holiday, men, money, wife
Someone going to work sees a crowd of people walking. Looking at the beginning of course, he sees a coffin behind a gentleman with a little dog followed by the crowd. Approaching the owner and he asks him: "What happened here, man?" "Pff, my mother-in-law died," he said. "Hush how sad eh… And, if allowed, how?" "My dog bit her…" "You don't tell me! Could you lend him to me just for tonight?" "Get in line!"
Vote: has 78.14 % from 121 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death, dog, mother in law, work
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Vote: has 78.12 % from 72 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death, morbid, relationship, work
One day Chuck Norris went into Wal Mart. The clerk told him to have a nice day. The next day the clerk was found dead. The police asked Chuck Norris if he killed her and he said yes so they asked him why. He said " Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do"
Vote: has 78.08 % from 310 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday. "From what I hear about your aim," said the Pastor, "It's a sin for you to hunt anytime."
Vote: has 77.74 % from 24 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, hunting, priest, religious, time
When you die on Earth you go to hell. When you die in hell you go to Chuck Norris' house.
Vote: has 77.46 % from 203 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
Vote: has 77.45 % from 198 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, funeral, sport, wife
A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself. A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists. "What are you doing." they ask her. So she replies "Hanging myself." The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck." The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."
Vote: has 77.39 % from 232 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: blonde, death, stupid


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