The best death jokes

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner: "Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?" "No." "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" "Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
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has 77.81 % from 98 votes. More jokes about: death, lawyer
A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself. A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists. "What are you doing." they ask her. So she replies "Hanging myself." The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck." The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."
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has 77.77 % from 251 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, stupid
A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies. The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.
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has 77.73 % from 734 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, desert island, marriage, sex
Two friends meet each other on the street.”Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.” Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid. ”I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face scratched all over?”. ”It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hell of a fight!”
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has 77.68 % from 134 votes. More jokes about: death, men
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
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has 77.64 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, war
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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has 77.64 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, life, war
Chuck Norris was born feet first. It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth.
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has 77.60 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: birthday, Chuck Norris, death, doctor
Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die? A: Everywhere!
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has 77.59 % from 249 votes. More jokes about: death, morbid, terrorist
One day Chuck Norris went into Wal Mart. The clerk told him to have a nice day. The next day the clerk was found dead. The police asked Chuck Norris if he killed her and he said yes so they asked him why. He said " Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do"
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has 77.54 % from 351 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Songs are not going to make us do anything we would not ordinarily do. Because if that was the case, the song "Achy Breaky Heart" would have made me kill somebody about a year ago.
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has 77.51 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: death, life, music
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