The best death jokes

I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?" I said "Because he didn't die in real life"
Vote:
has 77.91 % from 151 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, life, music
There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste". After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it. The 2nd nurse did the same. The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period. After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it. After 3 minutes the man woke up. The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a few minutes ago" The man replied, "yeah I was... But I feel great now I have had two jump starts and a blood transfusion".
Vote:
has 77.81 % from 140 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty, disgusting, nurse, sex
Chuck Norris was once shot. The bullet died.
Vote:
has 77.81 % from 316 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.
Vote:
has 77.78 % from 276 votes. More jokes about: chemistry, death, nerd
You might kill two birds with one stone, but Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.
Vote:
has 77.77 % from 384 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore. Bush asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, "I want a boat." The second boy says, "I want a truck." The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone." Bush asks, "Why is that?" The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."
Vote:
has 77.77 % from 150 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, life, political
A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies. The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.
Vote:
has 77.52 % from 807 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, desert island, marriage, sex
"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!" "How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"
Vote:
has 77.37 % from 96 votes. More jokes about: black humor, dad, death, husband, kids
A bus carrying nuns crashes over a cliff , all are killed!  They all line up at the pearly gates and ST peter stands there with his book. He calls the first nun up and says "Have you ever touched a penis" ,she replies "I only ever touched one with my index finger." He says "Well give one hell mary and dip your finger in the holly water and go throught the gates." He calls the second nun and says "have you ever touched a penis." She replies "I did touch one once with my left hand."  He says "well give three hell marys dip your hand in the holly water and go through the gate." Next thing a nuns comes running through all the othere nuns knocking this over and pushing all the othere nuns out of the way. ST Peter says "What's all the hurry?" The nun replies "Well I would like to gargle before sister mary dips her arse in the holly water."
Vote:
has 77.29 % from 106 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, death, sex
A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank. In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her. He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face. The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”
Vote:
has 77.21 % from 186 votes. More jokes about: death, wife, women
<<<12131415
More jokes →
Page 12 of 60.