The best death jokes

A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself. A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists. "What are you doing." they ask her. So she replies "Hanging myself." The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck." The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."
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More jokes about: blonde, death, stupid
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left everything to his beloved widow? A: She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
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More jokes about: age, death, redneck, wife
The best part of waking up is not the Folgers in your cup, it's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.
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More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death, time
Old man: "Can you give me an erection?" Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
Vote: has 76.74 % from 46 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, black humor, death, old people
Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.
Vote: has 76.70 % from 88 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: chemistry, death, nerd
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Vote: has 76.67 % from 118 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, cat, death, fish, little Johnny
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
Vote: has 76.63 % from 186 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, funeral, sport, wife
Chuck norris once killed a bear with an imaginary knife.
Vote: has 76.44 % from 102 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank. In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her. He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face. The customer replied, “No, but I’m pretty sure my wife did.”
Vote: has 76.37 % from 160 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, wife, women