The best death jokes

Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" - and he died.
Vote: has 78.40 % from 73 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: chemistry, death, nerd
One day Chuck Norris went into Wal Mart. The clerk told him to have a nice day. The next day the clerk was found dead. The police asked Chuck Norris if he killed her and he said yes so they asked him why. He said " Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do"
Vote: has 78.20 % from 246 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris once stared death in the face... Death pissed his pants.
Vote: has 78.15 % from 31 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Two friends meet each other on the street.”Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.” Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid. ”I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face scratched all over?”. ”It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hell of a fight!”
Vote: has 77.74 % from 124 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, men
People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.
Vote: has 77.64 % from 48 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A blonde was sick and tired of people making fun of her for being a blonde, so she decided to hang herself. A couple minutes later two men walk by and see her hanging by her wrists. "What are you doing." they ask her. So she replies "Hanging myself." The men are confused and asked "If you are hanging youself, you put the rope around your neck." The blond says "Duh....I tried that, I couldn't breath."
Vote: has 77.56 % from 209 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde, death, stupid
Old man: "Can you give me an erection?" Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
Vote: has 77.53 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, black humor, death, old people
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
Vote: has 77.53 % from 59 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, office, time
Chuck Norris once killed a man in New York while practicing Bruce Lee's one inch punch... Chuck Norris was in San Franscisco at the time.
Vote: has 77.51 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: airplane, animal, death, life