Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Q: Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert? A: "Yes, the red wire."
While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out. "Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."
Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family. "I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one. "That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"
Chuck norris once killed a bear with an imaginary knife.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Q: How did the wanna-be-hipster die? A: Trying to cross the mainstream!