The best death jokes

An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. "What sort of accountant were you?" "Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply. "Name?" asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. "Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span." The accountant says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old." Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" asks the accountant. "Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 93 years old!"
Vote:
has 77.50 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: accountant, age, death, heaven, time
Two friends meet each other on the street.”Hello! Where are you coming from?” asked Bill.” Oh, don’t ask me! I’m coming from the cemetery. I just buried my mother-in-law” replied Sid. ”I’m so sorry!” said Bill, “But why is your face scratched all over?”. ”It wasn’t so easy!” said Sid, “She put on a hell of a fight!”
Vote:
has 77.36 % from 132 votes. More jokes about: death, men
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." "I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." The general said, "Drive on!" The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
Vote:
has 77.17 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: black humor, car, death, management, military
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
Vote:
has 77.05 % from 115 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, funeral
Q: Why are Germans bad cooks? A: The only good one killed himself.
Vote:
has 76.96 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, food, Hitler, work
People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.
Vote:
has 76.91 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Getting your ass kicked by Chuck Norris? The only good news is you know when you will die.
Vote:
has 76.89 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of `em!"
Vote:
has 76.89 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: death, funeral, lawyer, money
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Vote:
has 76.87 % from 104 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, friendship
A man parachuted out of an aeroplane and his chute did not open. As he headed for almost certain death, he saw a man coming up toward him through the air from the ground. As the man zoomed by, the man headed down asked, "Do you know anything about parachutes?" The man replied in passing, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?"
Vote:
has 76.80 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: airplane, death, men
<<<13141516
More jokes →
Page 13 of 58.