The best death jokes

You might kill two birds with one stone, but Chuck Norris kills two stones with one bird.
Vote: has 79.85 % from 149 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it." The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
Vote: has 79.77 % from 137 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: car, death, IT, programmer
When you die on Earth you go to hell. When you die in hell you go to Chuck Norris' house.
Vote: has 79.58 % from 147 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. "My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: beauty, death, funeral, money, mother in law
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, black humor, death, friendship
Question: What happened to the only man that finally figured women out? Answer: He died laughing.
Vote: has 79.46 % from 77 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, women
When Chuck Norris throws a throwing knife, the knife doesn't kill his victim, the force of the air did.
Vote: has 79.35 % from 33 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Vote: has 79.34 % from 134 votes. Send joke:

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A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6 people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island. Well, after spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely and sexually deprived. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies. The first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week is getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, real bad, and the fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so very bad that on the sixth week they buried her.
Vote: has 79.17 % from 545 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, desert island, marriage, sex
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.” “Is that you, Fred?” “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “What’s it like?” “Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.” “Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.” “Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”
Vote: has 79.00 % from 245 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, dirty, heaven, husband, sex