The best death jokes

You are so old, if you to acted your age, you'd die.
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has 76.89 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: age, death, insulting
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner: "Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?" "No." "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" "Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
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has 76.68 % from 93 votes. More jokes about: death, lawyer
When you die on Earth you go to hell. When you die in hell you go to Chuck Norris' house.
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has 76.66 % from 215 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck norris once killed a bear with an imaginary knife.
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has 76.54 % from 137 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
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has 76.51 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, war
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left everything to his beloved widow? A: She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
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has 76.49 % from 77 votes. More jokes about: age, death, redneck, wife
Chuck Norris is the meaning of life. Too bad he's also the meaning of death.
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has 76.46 % from 82 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, life
A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life. The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl" "But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says. "Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother. "But I'm not an American," the man says. "What are you then?" asks the mother. "I'm an Iranian," the man says. The next day he sees the newspaper headlines: Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
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has 76.27 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, dog, life
Q: What's the difference between death and taxes? A: Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.
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has 76.27 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: death, political, tax, time
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
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has 76.26 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, health, heaven
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