Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? A: Because after they die, they lie still.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road. As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. "I'll give you a lift." The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer." The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."
Q: How did the wanna-be-hipster die? A: Trying to cross the mainstream!
If I could bring one dead person back to life I'd bring back Walt Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction...
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
One day Chuck Norris went into Wal Mart. The clerk told him to have a nice day. The next day the clerk was found dead. The police asked Chuck Norris if he killed her and he said yes so they asked him why. He said " Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do"
Eleven year old’s environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution: "When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
Chuck Norris was born feet first. It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth.