The best death jokes

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde." Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde." The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?" The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: beauty, blonde, communication, death, women
My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: age, black humor, communication, death, family
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
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has 76.27 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, war
There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste". After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it. The 2nd nurse did the same. The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period. After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it. After 3 minutes the man woke up. The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a few minutes ago" The man replied, "yeah I was... But I feel great now I have had two jump starts and a blood transfusion".
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has 76.27 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty, disgusting, nurse, sex
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
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has 76.24 % from 106 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, friendship
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
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has 76.22 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, health, heaven
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
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has 76.21 % from 96 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, office, time
Old man: "Can you give me an erection?" Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
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has 76.20 % from 76 votes. More jokes about: age, black humor, death, old people
A bus carrying nuns crashes over a cliff , all are killed!  They all line up at the pearly gates and ST peter stands there with his book. He calls the first nun up and says "Have you ever touched a penis" ,she replies "I only ever touched one with my index finger." He says "Well give one hell mary and dip your finger in the holly water and go throught the gates." He calls the second nun and says "have you ever touched a penis." She replies "I did touch one once with my left hand."  He says "well give three hell marys dip your hand in the holly water and go through the gate." Next thing a nuns comes running through all the othere nuns knocking this over and pushing all the othere nuns out of the way. ST Peter says "What's all the hurry?" The nun replies "Well I would like to gargle before sister mary dips her arse in the holly water."
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has 76.19 % from 81 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, death, sex
Chuck norris once killed a bear with an imaginary knife.
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has 76.08 % from 139 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
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