Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde." Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde." The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?" The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
If Chuck Norris movies were in 3D, the audience would be dead.
My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? A: Because after they die, they lie still.
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
Chuck Norris was a comedian, but everyone started to die of laughter.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?" "Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves." "You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!" "Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?" "I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!" "Help me please, please help!"