The best death jokes

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year.
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has 76.06 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: death, life
Chuck Norris went an hour without killing... just to kill some time.
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has 75.95 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, time
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
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has 75.77 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, cop, death, phone
James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.
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has 75.77 % from 44 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
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has 75.62 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."
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has 75.60 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: airplane, death, sex, time, weather
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
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has 75.58 % from 150 votes. More jokes about: death, heaven, lawyer, money
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
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has 75.52 % from 131 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, funeral
Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.
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has 75.46 % from 316 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death, time
Chuck Norris can kill you as many times as he wants to. He knows CPR.
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has 75.38 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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