The best death jokes

Three guys die and go to Hell. Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" "He was a candle maker." So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k. Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" "He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope. Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."
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has 72.45 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty
I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week. I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".
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has 72.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: death
Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks? A: Professional courtesy.
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has 72.27 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, lawyer, work
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
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has 72.04 % from 315 votes. More jokes about: asian, black humor, death, hospital
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!” The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. “What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
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has 72.04 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: car, death, hospital, lawyer, life
Chuck Norris kills 100% of germs.
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has 72.01 % from 85 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
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has 71.87 % from 228 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."
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has 71.85 % from 105 votes. More jokes about: cat, death, fish, funeral, little Johnny
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween? A: On blood vessels.
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has 71.63 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: death, Halloween, travel
A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows. Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark. He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators. "Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?" Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England." The next days newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"
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has 71.59 % from 108 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, racist
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