The best death jokes

Eleven year old’s environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution: "When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
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has 74.27 % from 102 votes. More jokes about: age, death, school
If Chuck Norris movies were in 3D, the audience would be dead.
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has 74.21 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, technology
During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him. Teacher asks, "Johnny, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body." Little Johnny after thinking for a while says, "I saw a dead body cycling to school."
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has 74.17 % from 325 votes. More jokes about: death, little Johnny, school, teacher
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
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has 73.94 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: death, health, heaven, life, wife
"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!" "How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"
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has 73.93 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: black humor, dad, death, husband, kids
The original CBS Survivor series was filmed in Chuck's mansion. No episode aired, as no one survived.
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has 73.89 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?" His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive." The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal. "Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot. The couple climbs in the helicopter. The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter. The couple never made a sound. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides." The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."
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has 73.80 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: black humor, couple, death, money, old people
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?" "Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves." "You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!" "Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?" "I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!" "Help me please, please help!"
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has 73.75 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: animal, cat, death, parrot
Three men were in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said, "I died in a car accident." The second man said, "I died by drowning." The third man said, "I died of seenus." The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?" The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!"
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has 73.63 % from 202 votes. More jokes about: car, death, heaven, sex, wife
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
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has 73.56 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, hunting
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