My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104.
We called her Aunt Tique.
Vote:
Three guys die and go to Hell.
Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a candle maker."
So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k.
Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a rope maker."
So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope.
Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
The guy smiles and says,
"He made lollipops."
Yo Mama so fat when Flash tried to run around her he died before he got half way.
Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"
"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."
And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: "So what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.
I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
Vote:
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him.
"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects?
How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."
The old man had died.
A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."
Chuck Norris can stare you to death while looking the other direction!
Vote:
Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:
Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.