The best death jokes

Three guys die and go to Hell. Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" "He was a candle maker." So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k. Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" "He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope. Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."
Vote:
has 72.22 % from 73 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
Vote:
has 72.22 % from 231 votes. More jokes about: animal, cat, death, fish, little Johnny
Yo Mama so fat when Flash tried to run around her he died before he got half way.
Vote:
has 72.18 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: death, fat, sport, Yo mama
Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?" "I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children." "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the gates she went. To the next, he asked the same question: "So what did you do on Earth?" "I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love." "How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter." And in she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?" After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also." "Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in." "Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days..."
Vote:
has 72.04 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: death, heaven, nurse, time, work
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
Vote:
has 72.00 % from 166 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, relationship, terrorist
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
Vote:
has 71.64 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: death, funeral, lawyer
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."
Vote:
has 71.58 % from 124 votes. More jokes about: cat, death, fish, funeral, little Johnny
Chuck Norris can stare you to death while looking the other direction!
Vote:
has 71.53 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
Vote:
has 71.52 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: age, death, work
Two Reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.
Vote:
has 71.50 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: death, dentist, life, mean, redneck
<<<18192021
More jokes →
Page 18 of 60.