The best death jokes

Chuck Norris can stare you to death while looking the other direction!
Vote: has 69.86 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
"I want a divorce"! "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."
Vote: has 68.80 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, church, death, divorce, wedding
Three men were caught for murder on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court. After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch. It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone. After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes. Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish. First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing. He is lashed 500 times all over his body. He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness. When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me." Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes. Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish. He looked around. He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot. He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "
Vote: has 68.80 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, dirty, prison, time, wife
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” “Oh, what was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle.”
Vote: has 68.45 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, death, dog, kids
Batman is to Robin as Chuck Norris is to Death.
Vote: has 68.45 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
Vote: has 68.45 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, tax, work
A cowboy and a retard are sitting at home bored. The cowboy says," let's go down to the bowling alley and beat up niggers." The retard says ," OK ". When they arrive , the cowboy sees five black dudes bowling. He goes over and starts beating their asses. He stops and looks to see the retard smashing bowling balls with a sledgehammer. He goes over and says, " hey... I thought we was gonna beat up niggers?" The retard responds, " yeah...you get the live ones, I'll kill the eggs ."
Vote: has 68.42 % from 71 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black people, cowboy, death, health, racist
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
Vote: has 68.38 % from 56 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, husband, old people
If the Earth turned 30 times faster, we would get salary every day, but women would bleed to death...
Vote: has 68.26 % from 52 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, time, women
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Vote: has 68.14 % from 124 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: airplane, black humor, death, funeral, gay