The best death jokes

Three guys die and go to Hell. Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" "He was a candle maker." So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k. Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" "He was a rope maker." So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope. Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."
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has 72.45 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty
Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks? A: Professional courtesy.
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has 72.27 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, lawyer, work
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
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has 72.04 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, friendship
Chuck Norris was asked to star in Night of the Living Dead but filming was ended after the zombies were to afraid to be roundhouse kicked in the face.
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has 72.04 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween? A: On blood vessels.
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has 72.04 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: death, Halloween, travel
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
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has 71.87 % from 228 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!” The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. “What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
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has 71.76 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: car, death, hospital, lawyer, life
Chuck Norris kills 100% of germs.
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has 71.70 % from 84 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Young kids use a dating app on their phones. Older kids use a dating website on their computers. Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates. Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events. Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.
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has 71.70 % from 84 votes. More jokes about: age, dating, death, morbid, relationship
People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.
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has 71.62 % from 96 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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