The best death jokes

Two cannibals are enjoying a Thanksgiving dinner and a light conversation about all things family. "I just can't stand my mother-in-law," sighs one. "That's quite understandable," nods the other one, "why don't you just have the potatoes with the gravy?"
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has 71.35 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, food, mother in law, Thanksgiving
You are so old, if you to acted your age, you'd die.
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has 71.35 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: age, death, insulting
Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? A: Hope it's Halloween!
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has 71.35 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: death, Halloween
A white man walking down a beach kicks up a lamp, with hope he rubs the lamp. Sure enough a genie pops out, and says, "I will grant you 3 wishes but be warned every black person in the world will get double what you wish." After a thought he says he's got it. "My first wish is i want a million dollars." Genie "your wish has been granted and every black person now has 2 million dollars." Man "Ok my second wish i want 10 thousand acres Genie.." Granted but every black person in the world now has 20 thousand acres. "And now you have but one wish." "The man replies with my final wish... i wish you to beat me half to death."
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has 71.11 % from 552 votes. More jokes about: black people, death, genie, money, racist
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD." The drunk promptly fainted. The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
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has 70.90 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: cop, death, drunk
A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday. "From what I hear about your aim," said the Pastor, "It's a sin for you to hunt anytime."
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has 70.83 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: death, hunting, priest, religious, time
Three men were caught for murder on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court. After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch. It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone. After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes. Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish. First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing. He is lashed 500 times all over his body. He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness. When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me." Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes. Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish. He looked around. He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot. He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "
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has 70.76 % from 93 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty, prison, time, wife
Chuck Norris was born feet first. It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth.
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has 70.46 % from 157 votes. More jokes about: birthday, Chuck Norris, death, doctor
A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows. Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark. He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators. "Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?" Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England." The next days newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"
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has 70.28 % from 141 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, racist
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
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has 70.23 % from 237 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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