The best death jokes

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
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has 69.85 % from 124 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, friendship
A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives: 1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident. 2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunk that died from an airplane accident. 3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience. I'll take the lawyers heart. After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient: "Why did you choose the lawyers heart?" "Simple! I chose the heart that was less used..."
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has 69.55 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: business, car, death, drunk, lawyer
Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.
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has 69.43 % from 347 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death, time
Andy and Annie are watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.” Annie has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, Andy approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown Annie says, “Andy, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”
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has 69.39 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty
Young kids use a dating app on their phones. Older kids use a dating website on their computers. Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates. Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events. Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.
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has 69.37 % from 96 votes. More jokes about: age, dating, death, morbid, relationship
My blonde girlfriend went to the doctors this morning and was told she had two weeks to live. She chose last week and this week.
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has 69.34 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, life, stupid, time
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "A shilling?" said the Justice, "It only takes shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go bury 20 of `em!"
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has 69.28 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: death, funeral, lawyer, money
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween? A: On blood vessels.
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has 69.28 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: death, Halloween, travel
Yo mama so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.
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has 69.14 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: age, communication, death, old people, Yo mama
My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?" I replied I prefer the good one. Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!" I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"
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has 69.02 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, doctor, life, time
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