The best death jokes

Chuck Norris was asked to star in Night of the Living Dead but filming was ended after the zombies were to afraid to be roundhouse kicked in the face.
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has 70.18 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks." The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks." They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
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has 70.18 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: animal, blonde, death
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween? A: On blood vessels.
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has 70.02 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: death, Halloween, travel
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
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has 70.01 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: accountant, death, travel
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
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has 69.93 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, music
Young kids use a dating app on their phones. Older kids use a dating website on their computers. Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates. Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events. Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.
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has 69.90 % from 94 votes. More jokes about: age, dating, death, morbid, relationship
Chuck Norris can stare you to death while looking the other direction!
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has 69.88 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
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has 69.85 % from 124 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, friendship
Three men were caught for murder on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court. After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch. It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone. After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes. Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish. First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing. He is lashed 500 times all over his body. He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness. When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me." Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes. Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish. He looked around. He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot. He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "
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has 69.84 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty, prison, time, wife
A white man walking down a beach kicks up a lamp, with hope he rubs the lamp. Sure enough a genie pops out, and says, "I will grant you 3 wishes but be warned every black person in the world will get double what you wish." After a thought he says he's got it. "My first wish is i want a million dollars." Genie "your wish has been granted and every black person now has 2 million dollars." Man "Ok my second wish i want 10 thousand acres Genie.." Granted but every black person in the world now has 20 thousand acres. "And now you have but one wish." "The man replies with my final wish... i wish you to beat me half to death."
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has 69.84 % from 479 votes. More jokes about: black people, death, genie, money, racist
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