The best death jokes

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. “Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.” “But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.” But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. “Oh, he died,” the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.” “Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.” “Oh, what was it then?” “I think it was the spin cycle.”
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has 69.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: age, death, dog, kids
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.” Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.” “Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.” “You’re kidding! What for?” “For killing my third wife. I strangled her.” “What happened to your second wife?” “I shot her.” “And, if I may ask, your first wife?” “We had a fight and she fell off a building.” “Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
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has 69.28 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: death, old people, prison, wife
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
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has 69.28 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, family, Halloween, time
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed ‘Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.' The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
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has 69.28 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: death, lawyer
Chuck norris once killed a bear with an imaginary knife.
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has 68.96 % from 174 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
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has 68.89 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: death, hospital, lawyer, money
Chuck Norris kills 100% of germs.
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has 68.76 % from 94 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
"I want a divorce"! "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."
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has 68.61 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: black humor, church, death, divorce, wedding
Yo mama's so stupid she tried comiting suicide by jumping of a tall building but got lost on the way down.
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has 68.56 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: death, stupid, Yo mama
Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.
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has 68.43 % from 356 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death, time
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