The best death jokes

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
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has 75.10 % from 147 votes. More jokes about: death, heaven, lawyer, money
Q: Did you hear that the travel agency NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN offers the flights over the Bermuda Triangle? A: Mostly is the trip successful for the first time, max. for the second time. Very popular is also the camping in tents near the shore of the river Nile.
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has 75.00 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: business, death, time, travel
If Chuck Norris movies were in 3D, the audience would be dead.
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has 74.94 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, technology
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
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has 74.94 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left everything to his beloved widow? A: She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
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has 74.81 % from 81 votes. More jokes about: age, death, redneck, wife
Eleven year old’s environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution: "When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
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has 74.74 % from 104 votes. More jokes about: age, death, school
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
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has 74.72 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, war
Death: It's your time. give me your hand Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die! Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five! Blonde: *high fives* Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...
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has 74.49 % from 1606 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, stupid
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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has 74.43 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, lawyer, money, priest
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot." "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
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has 74.29 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: death, health, heaven, life, wife
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