The best death jokes

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, life
An accountant dies and goes to heaven (no, that's not the joke). St. Peter, of course, is there, looking through the files and asking a few quick questions. "What sort of accountant were you?" "Oh, I was a CPA", was the reply. "Name?" asks St. Pete. The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. "Oh yes, we've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted time span." The accountant says, "I don't get it. How can that be? I'm only 48 years old." Pete looks again at the file and says, "Well, that's impossible." "Why do you say that?" asks the accountant. "Well," says St. Peter, "we've been looking over your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 93 years old!"
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More jokes about: accountant, age, death, heaven, time
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
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More jokes about: animal, black humor, death, food, time
James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.
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More jokes about: celebrity, Chuck Norris, death
How do you kill 10,000 Mexicans? Throw a peso over a cliff. How do you kill 10,000 more? Tell them nobody got it.
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More jokes about: death, mexican, racist
My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "Theres something I must confess." "Shhh" I said, "theres nothing to confess. Everythings alright." "No I must die in peace. I had s*x with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!" "I know," I whispered "Thats why i posion you, now close your eyes!"
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More jokes about: death, men, wife
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, cop, death, phone
The truth hurts dosen't it, Chuck Norris' truth kills.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."
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More jokes about: animal, death, doctor, food
A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life. The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl" "But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says. "Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother. "But I'm not an American," the man says. "What are you then?" asks the mother. "I'm an Iranian," the man says. The next day he sees the newspaper headlines: Islamic Extr*mist kills American Dog.
Vote: has 71.25 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, death, dog, life