Three guys die and go to Hell.
Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a candle maker."
So, Satan burns off the guy's d**k.
Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a rope maker."
So, Satan rips off the guy's d**k with a rope.
Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
The guy smiles and says,
"He made lollipops."
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's drop-dead gorgeous.
Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."
I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week.
I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket.
But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: "Help me, please help me! There is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?"
"I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!"
"Help me please, please help!"
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
Vote:
One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through the park.
Suddenly, the blonde's friend said, "Oh, look, a dead birdie!"
The blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned:
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied:
"That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.
I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering "Chun Yu Yan" over and over – and then died.
I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial.
Apparently, it means "You're standing on my oxygen tube."
Vote:
My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104.
We called her Aunt Tique.
Vote:
Yo Mama so fat when Flash tried to run around her he died before he got half way.