Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks.
She looked down, then got run over by the train!
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere.
He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
"Head on curb."
Two friends were walking through the woods when they thought they heard something.
They turned around and saw a big black bear coming towards them.
Both men started to run when one of them stopped to change into tennis shoes.
The second man said "You don't have time to change shoes. You can't outrun that bear!"
The first man said, "I know I can't outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you"!
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Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand.
The police ask, "is that your wife?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Did you kill her with that golf club?"
"Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club.
"How many times did you hit her?"
The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five."
How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
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There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.
When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?"
My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone.
"We'll go in the limousine dummy."
A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot.
Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f**k’n missed again."
The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest.
In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed."
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
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Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels.