The best death jokes

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
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has 68.45 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: accountant, death, travel
Would you take a bullet for the last person you had sex with? Anything for the family.
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has 68.26 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty, family, redneck, sex
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
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has 67.88 % from 202 votes. More jokes about: airplane, black humor, death, funeral, gay
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
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has 67.88 % from 161 votes. More jokes about: death, desert island, Hitler, lawyer
Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: In the mainstream.
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has 67.88 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: death, hipster, life
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.
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has 67.78 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!" "Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?" "She's 19." "That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!" "Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."
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has 67.69 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, doctor, marriage, old people
Yo mama's so stupid she tried comiting suicide by jumping of a tall building but got lost on the way down.
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has 67.69 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: death, stupid, Yo mama
"I want a divorce"! "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."
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has 66.98 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: black humor, church, death, divorce, wedding
Q: What do gay guys have in common with bungee jumpers? A: If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shit!
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has 66.98 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: death, dirty, gay, sex, sport
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