The best death jokes

An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants. So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader. Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says "This is the last time I ask earthling!" Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass motherfucker". Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM! A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away. As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?" The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker."
Vote:
has 66.81 % from 112 votes. More jokes about: death, desert island, life, morbid, vulgar
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Vote:
has 66.70 % from 188 votes. More jokes about: death, desert island, Hitler, lawyer
How did Captain Hook die? He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
Vote:
has 66.69 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: death, disgusting, pirate
"I want a divorce"! "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."
Vote:
has 66.69 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: black humor, church, death, divorce, wedding
Q: How come so black people died during the war? A: Because when the captain yelled "Get down" they all got up and danced.
Vote:
has 66.68 % from 178 votes. More jokes about: black people, death, war
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
Vote:
has 66.68 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: death, men, military, women
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Vote:
has 66.64 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: black humor, chemistry, death, wife
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
Vote:
has 66.60 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: animal, black humor, death, food, time
Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand. The police ask, "is that your wife?" "Yes" says the man. "Did you kill her with that golf club?" "Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club. "How many times did you hit her?" The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five."
Vote:
has 66.46 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: cop, death, wife
Chuck Norris went an hour without killing... just to kill some time.
Vote:
has 66.46 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, time
<<<24252627
More jokes →
Page 24 of 60.