The best death jokes

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Vote:
has 66.75 % from 185 votes. More jokes about: death, desert island, Hitler, lawyer
"I want a divorce"! "But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part." "I guess you are right. Very well, go ahead and drink up the tea I made for you."
Vote:
has 66.69 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: black humor, church, death, divorce, wedding
Q: How come so black people died during the war? A: Because when the captain yelled "Get down" they all got up and danced.
Vote:
has 66.60 % from 171 votes. More jokes about: black people, death, war
Q: What was Hitler's favorite drink? A: Concentrated jews.
Vote:
has 66.50 % from 338 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, Hitler, jewish, morbid
Police are called to a home to fins man standing over the lifeless body of a woman with a five iron in his hand. The police ask, "is that your wife?" "Yes" says the man. "Did you kill her with that golf club?" "Yes" says the man sobbing and then dropping the club. "How many times did you hit her?" The man says, "five, six or seven times. But put me down for a five."
Vote:
has 66.46 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: cop, death, wife
How did Captain Hook die? He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
Vote:
has 66.17 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: death, disgusting, pirate
There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children. We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt. When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?" My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone. "We'll go in the limousine dummy."
Vote:
has 66.16 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: death, family, funeral, kids, phone
Chuck Norris went an hour without killing... just to kill some time.
Vote:
has 66.01 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, time
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again." God said, "It is done!" All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"
Vote:
has 65.94 % from 79 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, god, heaven, life
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"
Vote:
has 65.92 % from 1194 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, marriage, wife
<<<24252627
More jokes →
Page 24 of 60.