The best death jokes

There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill. The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?" He replied, "No I think I'll wait." So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?" His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait." The first bum ate the road kill. Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street. Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke. The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?" His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."
has 64.76 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: death, disgusting, food
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup." Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."
has 64.72 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, food
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?” “Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.” Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker. “After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”
has 64.71 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, old people
Husband: "When I die, I'd like to die making love." Wife: "At least we know it'll be quick!"
has 64.51 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, love, sex, wife
Someone call CSI. I just killed my workout.
has 64.28 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: cop, death, fitness
Yo mamma so stupid she locked herself in safeway and starved to death.
has 64.23 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: death, food, stupid, Yo mama
I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath. "Here's the cutest baby animal ever." "Now let's watch something eat it."
has 64.20 % from 366 votes. More jokes about: animal, dead baby, death
Q: How come so black people died during the war? A: Because when the captain yelled "Get down" they all got up and danced.
has 63.93 % from 209 votes. More jokes about: black people, death, war
Patient: "Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine." The doctor was very much pleased. He asked: "Did it really help you?" Patient: "It helped me wonderfully." Doctor: "How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?" Patient: "I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir."
has 63.82 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, money
Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: In the mainstream.
has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: death, hipster, life
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