Chuck Norris was about to die... until the Grim Reaper phoned in sick.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris commited suicide, and lived.
A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD." The drunk promptly fainted. The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?" I replied I prefer the good one. Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!" I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"
Every 5 seconds, somewhere in the world, someone dies of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't play dead for bears, bears play dead for Chuck Norris.
Rabbit: "Are you sure this bottle of special carrot juice will cure me?" Doctor: "Absolutely. No rabbit ever came back for another."
We only submit these facts so he doesn't kill us.