The best death jokes

Chuck Norris was about to die... until the Grim Reaper phoned in sick.
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has 68.50 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, phone
Patient: "I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night." Doctor: "Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone."
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has 68.45 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, life
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
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has 68.45 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: accountant, death, travel
Chuck Norris once stared death in the face... Death pissed his pants.
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has 68.28 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
If looks could kill they would be called Chuck Norris.
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has 68.26 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
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has 68.15 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: car, death, dirty, money, wife
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."
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has 68.14 % from 74 votes. More jokes about: cat, death, fish, funeral, little Johnny
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
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has 68.14 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: cop, death
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a venomous cobra .... After 5 days of excrutiating pain the cobra Eventually died
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has 67.89 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
If you write the Death Note on Chuck Norris, the Death Note dies.
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has 67.88 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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