The best death jokes

Chuck Norris was a comedian, but everyone started to die of laughter.
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has 69.28 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them. "You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money." Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."
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has 68.97 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: car, death, dirty, money, wife
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer funny responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
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has 68.56 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: death, hospital, lawyer, money
Chuck Norris was about to die... until the Grim Reaper phoned in sick.
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has 68.50 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, phone
Patient: "I am sorry to call you to my house so far away from your chamber at this time of night." Doctor: "Don’t worry. I have another patient near here. So I can Kill two birds with one stone."
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has 68.45 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, life
Q: How did the first man die from using Viagra? A: The tablet got stuck in his throat and he died from a stiff neck.
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has 68.45 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: death, medical, viagra
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
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has 68.45 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: accountant, death, travel
Chuck Norris once stared death in the face... Death pissed his pants.
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has 68.28 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
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has 68.27 % from 177 votes. More jokes about: airplane, black humor, death, funeral, gay
If looks could kill they would be called Chuck Norris.
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has 68.26 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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