The best death jokes

An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?" His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive." The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal. "Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot. The couple climbs in the helicopter. The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter. The couple never made a sound. The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides." The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."
Vote: has 69.31 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, couple, death, money, old people
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD." The drunk promptly fainted. The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
Vote: has 69.28 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop, death, drunk
If the Earth turned 30 times faster, we would get salary every day, but women would bleed to death...
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More jokes about: death, time, women
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.
Vote: has 68.80 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Little Mathieu was digging in his garden a hole. The next door neighbor saw him and asked; "Why are you digging the dirt Mathieu?" "My goldfish died, and I have to bury it." "Oh, I’m so sorry! But, isn’t that hole too big for a small goldfish?" "Indeed, it is! But my goldfish is inside your stupid cat!"
Vote: has 68.73 % from 49 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cat, death, fish, kids, stupid
A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error. "Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch. "Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."
Vote: has 68.66 % from 45 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop, death
Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.
Vote: has 68.63 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Patient: "Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine." The doctor was very much pleased. He asked: "Did it really help you?" Patient: "It helped me wonderfully." Doctor: "How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?" Patient: "I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir."
Vote: has 68.63 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, doctor, money
At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy is laying sprawled out on the road, seemingly stone dead. The rescue workers are all around him, but can do nothing to resuscitate him. Suddenly, a young woman in a short miniskirt forces her way through the crowd. "Let me at him, I can help him," she says. "What can you do?" ask the rescue people. "We've tried everything to revive him, and it's too late." "I can," says the woman. "Stand back!" And she promptly takes off her panties, and crouches with her crotch over the man's face. Suddenly, the man coughs, splutters, and sits up. "What did you do?" ask the rescue people, amazed. The woman says, "Blood Transfusion."
Vote: has 68.56 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, disgusting, women