The best death jokes

Roses are red tulips are black. You'd look great with a knife in your back.
Vote: has 66.38 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, morbid, poems
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Vote: has 66.21 % from 45 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, desert island, Hitler, lawyer
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?” “Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.” Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker. “After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”
Vote: has 65.91 % from 41 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, husband, old people
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"
Vote: has 65.81 % from 1184 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, husband, marriage, wife
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD." The drunk promptly fainted. The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
Vote: has 65.57 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop, death, drunk
What do you call a barn full of dead niggers? Out dated farm equipment.
Vote: has 65.57 % from 37 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black people, death, racist
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck," the other added.
Vote: has 65.48 % from 26 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, death, hunting, life
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you... Forty seven times.
Vote: has 65.16 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, math
How did Captain Hook die? He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
Vote: has 65.16 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, disgusting, pirate
Jenna, Jessica and ariana die. They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud". The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy. Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?". Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud". The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy. Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?". Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud". The following day Araina goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall. Jenna and jessica ask, "What happen?" The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
Vote: has 65.16 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, god, heaven, life, ugly