The best death jokes

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.” The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde. “I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”
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has 63.75 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, money
Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common? A: Both their moms are going to kill them!
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has 63.68 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: baby, black humor, death, morbid, teen
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
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has 63.67 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, old people
Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.
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has 63.61 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: death, men, wife, women
One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him. “Daddy, the cat died today!” “Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.” “But why are his arms and legs up in the air?” “Well, darling, that’s just something they do.” She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him. “Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!” “What are you talking about?” “I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”
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has 63.61 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: cat, dad, death, kids
Chuck Norris will never die. The Grim Reaper is too scared to come and claim him.
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has 63.51 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris invented the spoon because it's too easy to kill someone with a knife or fork.
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has 63.26 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
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has 63.22 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: animal, black humor, death, food, time
Sherlock Holmes dies and goes to Heaven. There is a brouhaha. Sherlock Holmes asks St. Peter what seems to be the problem. Apparently, Adam has gone 'walkabout' among all the souls. It will take ages to find him. Holmes tracks down Adam, very quickly. The Lord asks Holmes how he recognized Adam among the millions of souls, without ever having met him. "Elementary, my dear God, he has no navel."
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has 63.22 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: death, god, heaven, life
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep? A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
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has 63.12 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: death, democrat
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