Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.”
The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.”
“No, you have to take it,” says the blonde.
“I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”
Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common?
A: Both their moms are going to kill them!
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
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An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs.
His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies.
As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies.
He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs.
Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies.
Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"
One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him.
“Daddy, the cat died today!”
“Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.”
“But why are his arms and legs up in the air?”
“Well, darling, that’s just something they do.”
She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later.
When the dad comes home, she runs up to him.
“Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!”
“What are you talking about?”
“I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”
I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath.
"Here's the cutest baby animal ever."
"Now let's watch something eat it."
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean.
The tsunamis were killing people.
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