Q: How come so black people died during the war? A: Because when the captain yelled "Get down" they all got up and danced.
When Chuck Norris throws a throwing knife, the knife doesn't kill his victim, the force of the air did.
I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath. "Here's the cutest baby animal ever." "Now let's watch something eat it."
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup." Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."
Would you take a bullet for the last person you had sex with? Anything for the family.
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.” The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde. “I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”
Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: In the mainstream.
Q: How did the first man die from using Viagra? A: The tablet got stuck in his throat and he died from a stiff neck.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill. The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?" He replied, "No I think I'll wait." So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?" His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait." The first bum ate the road kill. Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street. Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke. The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?" His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."