The best death jokes

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter. The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!” The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face. “What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant. The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: car, death, hospital, lawyer, life
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.” The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde. “I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, money
If you want to commit suicide, all you need to do is say,"Chuck Norris is a loser."
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris can kill a man in 52 different ways using only a ballpoint pen.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
The phrase "I am become death, destroyer of worlds" was actually first coined by Chuck Norris when he came out of the womb.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: In the mainstream.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: death, hipster, life
Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: age, death, work
Q: How come so black people died during the war? A: Because when the captain yelled "Get down" they all got up and danced.
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has 66.44 % from 134 votes. More jokes about: black people, death, war
When Chuck Norris throws a throwing knife, the knife doesn't kill his victim, the force of the air did.
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has 66.43 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building — a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.” Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.” “Of course I’m lonely, he says, “I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.” “You’re kidding! What for?” “For killing my third wife. I strangled her.” “What happened to your second wife?” “I shot her.” “And, if I may ask, your first wife?” “We had a fight and she fell off a building.” “Oh my,” says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
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has 66.38 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: death, old people, prison, wife
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