The best death jokes

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed ‘Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.' The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
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has 66.77 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: death, lawyer
Patient: "Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine." The doctor was very much pleased. He asked: "Did it really help you?" Patient: "It helped me wonderfully." Doctor: "How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?" Patient: "I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir."
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has 66.77 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, money
A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f**k’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed."
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has 66.77 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: death, god, golf, priest, sport
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup." Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."
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has 66.77 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, food
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
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has 66.75 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: death, men, military, women
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. Chuck Norris can see in the dark.
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has 66.46 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, light bulb
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.” The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde. “I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, money
If you want to commit suicide, all you need to do is say,"Chuck Norris is a loser."
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris can kill a man in 52 different ways using only a ballpoint pen.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
The phrase "I am become death, destroyer of worlds" was actually first coined by Chuck Norris when he came out of the womb.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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