A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Yo mamma so stupid she locked herself in safeway and starved to death.
Yo mama so fat she was the meteor that killed the dinos.
Someone call CSI. I just killed my workout.
An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay went to a doctor. The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die. As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar. He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunk." And he entered the bar, drank and died. At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street. The gay walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!" "Why? I want to smoke so much." "If you bend... we both are dead!"
Patient: "Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine." The doctor was very much pleased. He asked: "Did it really help you?" Patient: "It helped me wonderfully." Doctor: "How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?" Patient: "I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir."
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a dead beetle in my soup." Waiter: "Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers."
Do you remember how everyone was trying to kill Osama Bin Laden? Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.
You mamas so small she fell of her chair and committed suicide.