The best death jokes

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o’clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ” I BET you $50 the man is going to jump.” The blonde replies, “Okay you’re on.” Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, “I can’t accept this MONEY. I watched the 5 o’clock news and saw the man jump then.” “No, you have to take it,” says the blonde. “I watched the 5 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he would do it again.”
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, money
If you want to commit suicide, all you need to do is say,"Chuck Norris is a loser."
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris can kill a man in 52 different ways using only a ballpoint pen.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
The phrase "I am become death, destroyer of worlds" was actually first coined by Chuck Norris when he came out of the womb.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: In the mainstream.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: death, hipster, life
Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: age, death, work
When Chuck Norris throws a throwing knife, the knife doesn't kill his victim, the force of the air did.
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has 66.43 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"
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has 65.95 % from 1192 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, marriage, wife
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?” “Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.” Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker. “After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”
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has 65.86 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, old people
Now, that's gotta be a hell of a thing to go to jail for cable. You in there with mass murderers and everybody. "What you in here for?" "I killed six people. What you in here for?" "Comedy Central."
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has 65.80 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: death, life, prison
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