The best death jokes

Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common? A: Both their moms are going to kill them!
Vote:
has 61.92 % from 76 votes. More jokes about: baby, black humor, death, morbid, teen
About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Vote:
has 61.89 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: death, god, life, money, time
Jenna, Jessica and ariana die. They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud". The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy. Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?". Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud". The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy. Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?". Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud". The following day Araina goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall. Jenna and jessica ask, "What happen?" The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
Vote:
has 61.71 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: death, god, heaven, life, ugly
Chuck Norris invented the question mark... so he could say the sentence "Do you want to die slowly of fast?"
Vote:
has 61.63 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"
Vote:
has 61.50 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: death, food, funeral, old people, wife
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
Vote:
has 61.50 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris commited suicide, and lived.
Vote:
has 61.43 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies? A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.
Vote:
has 61.43 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, marriage, political, sex
Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out. Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences. Then hang up.
Vote:
has 61.28 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, health, phone
Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
Vote:
has 61.15 % from 86 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, sex, women
<<<30313233
More jokes →
Page 30 of 60.