The best death jokes

Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."
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has 65.80 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: bird, Christmas, death, food, Thanksgiving
Yo mamma so stupid she locked herself in safeway and starved to death.
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has 65.80 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: death, food, stupid, Yo mama
Q: How do you kill an emo? A: You don't you let depression do the work.
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has 65.48 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, work
I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind. Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it. I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.
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has 65.48 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: age, death, mean, morbid, relationship
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?” “Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.” Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker. “After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”
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has 65.20 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: death, husband, old people
A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?" Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!" Magician, winking, "But not for looooong...!"
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has 65.19 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: black humor, communication, death, old people, vulgar
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: animal, black humor, death, food, time
The best part of waking up is not the Folgers in your cup, it's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
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has 65.14 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt. The bad brother died. The good brother missed him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other. Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment." God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
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has 65.08 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, god, heaven, life
Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common? A: Both their moms are going to kill them!
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has 65.08 % from 57 votes. More jokes about: baby, black humor, death, morbid, teen
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