The best death jokes

A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it. "My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!
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More jokes about: beauty, death, funeral, money, mother in law
Somebody said that Chuck sucks, since then their severed head with many foot marks have been found...
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
It takes a master to shoot a fly from a hundred Paces, but it takes a Chuck Norris to roundhouse-kick one from a thousand.
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More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."
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More jokes about: accountant, death, travel
A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f**k’n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed."
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More jokes about: death, god, golf, priest, sport
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, work
There were these two bums and they were hungry when they came across road kill. The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said, "Oh I'm sorry, would you like some?" He replied, "No I think I'll wait." So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "Look - some more road kill, I'm still hungry. How about you?" His friend replied, "No, not yet, I think I'll wait." The first bum ate the road kill. Shortly after, his eyes rolled back and he puked the whole thing back up on the street. Seconds later, his friend dove in and ate every last slickery drop of the puke. The first bum said, "I thought you weren't hungry?" His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal."
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More jokes about: death, disgusting, food
Yo mama so ugly that she died of fright when she looked in the mirror.
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More jokes about: death, ugly, Yo mama
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, communication, death


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