The best death jokes

Two old women were talking about their sex lives. Ethel was upset because her sex life had really died, while Mildred said her sex life was great. Mildred counseled Ethel, "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed, and put both legs behind my head. When he sees me like that, he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night." Ethel said, "I'm going to try that tonight." While Ethel's husband Harold was in the bathroom that night, she took off all her clothes. She struggled to get both legs behind her head. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel fell backwards and couldn't move. Harold came out of the bathroom with a shocked look on his face. "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."
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has 61.15 % from 86 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, sex, women
James Bond's license to kill was approved by Chuck Norris.
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has 60.76 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris knows how to kill you in more ways than you know how to die.
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has 60.76 % from 105 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Just found out that my Asian friend died last week... So Yung.
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has 60.70 % from 102 votes. More jokes about: asian, death
Blonde: Officer theres like a thousand dead people here! Cop: Okay, calm down. Where are you? Blonde: The cemetery! Cop: *facepalm*
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has 60.70 % from 53 votes. More jokes about: blonde, cop, death
Yo mama is so stupid that when she got locked up in the supermarket she starved to death.
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has 60.69 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: death, insulting, stupid, Yo mama
Chuck Norris was a comedian, but everyone started to die of laughter.
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has 60.67 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.
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has 60.66 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
At the scene of a terrible road accident, a guy is laying sprawled out on the road, seemingly stone dead. The rescue workers are all around him, but can do nothing to resuscitate him. Suddenly, a young woman in a short miniskirt forces her way through the crowd. "Let me at him, I can help him," she says. "What can you do?" ask the rescue people. "We've tried everything to revive him, and it's too late." "I can," says the woman. "Stand back!" And she promptly takes off her panties, and crouches with her crotch over the man's face. Suddenly, the man coughs, splutters, and sits up. "What did you do?" ask the rescue people, amazed. The woman says, "Blood Transfusion."
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has 60.65 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: death, disgusting, women
A Shark alarm at Sydney’s Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water –except for three young boys who didn’'t hear the siren. Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety. He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece. The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle. As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, “That was the most heroic thing I’'ve ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper: “Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!” “Thanks.” Smiles the fella, “but I'’m not an Aussie. I'’m a British backpacker.” “No worries,” said the journalist with a frown, “it'’ll still be front-page news.” The next day, the newspaper’s headline screamed, “Pommy bastard kills boy'’s pet fish!”
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has 60.56 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: animal, death
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