Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: In the mainstream.
Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.
How did Captain Hook die? He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
Q: What do gay guys have in common with bungee jumpers? A: If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shit!
Yo mama so fat she was the meteor that killed the dinos.
A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably... "My wife missed the bus"
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed ‘Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.' The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Now, that's gotta be a hell of a thing to go to jail for cable. You in there with mass murderers and everybody. "What you in here for?" "I killed six people. What you in here for?" "Comedy Central."