Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it. Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire. Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
Q. What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? A. They both live off dead Beatles.
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep? A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A: A tea party.
Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out. Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences. Then hang up.
Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'
Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead? Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.