The best death jokes

Someone call CSI. I just killed my workout.
has 60.15 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: cop, death, fitness
Q: What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A: A tea party.
has 60.15 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: death, money, political
Blonde: Officer theres like a thousand dead people here! Cop: Okay, calm down. Where are you? Blonde: The cemetery! Cop: *facepalm*
has 60.01 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: blonde, cop, death
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"
has 59.75 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: death, food, funeral, old people, wife
Chicken to turkey: "Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? You're lucky, with us it's any Sunday."
has 59.74 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: bird, Christmas, death, food, Thanksgiving
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
has 59.66 % from 77 votes. More jokes about: air force, death, military, money, navy
Chuck Norris once stared death in the face... Death pissed his pants.
has 59.60 % from 88 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out. Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences. Then hang up.
has 59.19 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, health, phone
Q: Why is Al Qaeda more compassionate than pro-lifers? A: The 9/11 hijackers got to die instantly.
has 58.77 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, life, terrorist
If you want to commit suicide, all you need to do is say,"Chuck Norris is a loser."
has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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