The best death jokes

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you... Forty seven times.
Vote: has 64.76 % from 29 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, math
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
Vote: has 64.76 % from 29 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death, family, Halloween, time
Yo mamma so stupid she locked herself in safeway and starved to death.
Vote: has 64.76 % from 29 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, food, stupid, Yo mama
Yo mama is so stupid that when she got locked up in the supermarket she starved to death.
Vote: has 64.72 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, insulting, stupid, Yo mama
After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, "Ma'am, I've got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?" After quickly thinking it over, she responds, "I'll have the bad news first doctor". The doctor replies, "We'll, I'm not sure how to put this, and I'm sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair". Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother face. "Doctor, if that's the bad news, what's the good news". The doctor replies, "He's dead".
Vote: has 64.72 % from 36 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, ginger
Q: What do you call a flying Jew? A: Ashes.
Vote: has 64.47 % from 101 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death, jewish
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
Vote: has 64.35 % from 59 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, husband, old people
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Vote: has 64.28 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, death, heaven
A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York. At the same time in South Texas is getting a blow job from a 85 year old lady. What are both men thinking? Don't look down.
Vote: has 63.82 % from 35 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, death, dirty, geography, sex
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?” “Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.” Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker. “After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”
Vote: has 63.81 % from 45 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, husband, old people


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