The best death jokes

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Vote: has 64.28 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, death, heaven
Chuck Noris once got his blood tested. His blood type was AK-47.
Vote: has 64.28 % from 25 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, health
1 woman and 9 men shipwreck on a deserted island. After one week, the woman, disgusted by the things she was doing, kills herself. After another week, the men, disgusted by the things they were doing, buried her. After another week, the men, more disgusted by the things they were doing, dug her up.
Vote: has 64.23 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, disgusting, women
A cowboy and a retard are sitting at home bored. The cowboy says," let's go down to the bowling alley and beat up niggers." The retard says ," OK ". When they arrive , the cowboy sees five black dudes bowling. He goes over and starts beating their asses. He stops and looks to see the retard smashing bowling balls with a sledgehammer. He goes over and says, " hey... I thought we was gonna beat up niggers?" The retard responds, " yeah...you get the live ones, I'll kill the eggs ."
Vote: has 63.89 % from 124 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black people, cowboy, death, health, racist
An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit. The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the funeral parlor to have one last moment with Albert before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Albert was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?” “Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit,” the mortician replied. “His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit.” Albert’s wife smiled at the undertaker. “After that,” he continued, “it was just a matter of swapping the heads.”
Vote: has 63.81 % from 45 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, husband, old people
Q: What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A: A tea party.
Vote: has 63.75 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, money, political
A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."
Vote: has 63.75 % from 21 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, black humor, death, food, time
There is a way to kill Chuck Norris, it is... Sorry, the person typing this just had his head bashed in by a roundhouse kick.
Vote: has 63.66 % from 28 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Vote: has 63.66 % from 28 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, god, life, money, time
Q: What do you call a flying Jew? A: Ashes.
Vote: has 63.39 % from 107 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death, jewish


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