The best death jokes

When Chuck Norris was a kid, he wanted to see if you really could kill two birds with a stone. Let's just say that's why birds fly still south in the winter.
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has 63.00 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: bird, Chuck Norris, death, travel, winter
Yo mama so fat she was the meteor that killed the dinos.
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has 62.91 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: death, dinosaur, fat, science, Yo mama
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
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has 62.88 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death
There is nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.
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has 62.63 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death
Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out. Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences. Then hang up.
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has 62.61 % from 13 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, health, phone
An alcoholic, a smoker and a gay went to a doctor. The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die. As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar. He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunk." And he entered the bar, drank and died. At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street. The gay walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!" "Why? I want to smoke so much." "If you bend... we both are dead!"
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has 62.61 % from 313 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, death, doctor, gay
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates, petted her on the head and said, "You have been a good cat for these 40 years. Anything that you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and replied, "All my life I have lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident, and they all went to heaven together. God met them at the gates of Heaven with the same offer He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, all our lives we've had to run from dogs, cats and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates, we'd never have to run again." God said, "It is done!" All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals-on-wheels you've been sending over here are delicious!"
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has 62.40 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, god, heaven, life
You mamas so small she fell of her chair and committed suicide.
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has 62.22 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: death, insulting, Yo mama
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
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has 62.22 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, work
Sticks and stones may break your bones but Chuck Norris' fists will kill you.
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has 62.14 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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