I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead? Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
Q: What was the one thing Hitler did well? A: Kill himself.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Do you remember how everyone was trying to kill Osama Bin Laden? Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.
In the war, a German ship suspected that they were being tracked by an Irish submarine. Unfortunately, they had used up all of their depth-charges. As an alternative, one of their Divers decided to swim down to the submarine and knock on the door.
In the game "Clue", the murder is always committed by Chuck Norris, with a roundhouse kick, in any room he danged well pleases.
Somebody said that Chuck sucks, since then their severed head with many foot marks have been found...
Did you hear about the cannibal who commited suicide? He got himself into a real stew.