The best death jokes

No chicken dies a virgin. They get laid at birth *slaps knee*.
Vote:
has 56.77 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: animal, death
Somebody said that Chuck sucks, since then their severed head with many foot marks have been found...
Vote:
has 56.77 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
Vote:
has 56.42 % from 114 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, funeral, music
A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have. She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.” The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.” She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.” The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have. A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments. As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way. Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind. As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him. “Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for? Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain. “I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog.”
Vote:
has 56.36 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, health, kids
Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Vote:
has 56.36 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: animal, communication, death, kids, Thanksgiving
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? A: Because his wife died.
Vote:
has 56.26 % from 101 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, wife
First man: "I follow the medical profession." Second man: "Are you a doctor?" First man: "No, I'm an undertaker."
Vote:
has 56.20 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, medical, work
Black preacher is driving home from church and sees the white preacher walking down the road. He reluctantly pulls over to offer him a ride. A short distance along the way the whit guy says " you people don't actually think Jesus was black do you?" "And what makes think he's not?" The black pastor snaps back. The conversation becomes so heated less than needed attention was paid to the road and both men died in a trgic head on collision. When st. Peter opened the pearly gates to heaven before them, there stood Jesus Christ himself. He spread his arms slowly in a welcoming gesture and said "Buenos dias amigos!"
Vote:
has 56.18 % from 185 votes. More jokes about: black people, church, death, god, heaven
Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you." The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?" To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
Vote:
has 56.16 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: car, death, heaven, marriage, wedding
Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died? A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.
Vote:
has 56.06 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: death, sex, wife
<<<35363738
More jokes →
Page 35 of 60.