The best death jokes

Question: How can you tell if your wife is dead? Answer: The sex will be the same but the dishes will pile up.
Vote: has 61.43 % from 45 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: death, sex, wife, women
An Atheist dies in a car crash and wakes up in a big dark room with a sign above a single door: "Welcome to Hell!" "Shit! So the Shavelings were right after all!" the Atheist thinks, opens the door – and is stunned by the view! A marvelous beach! Crystal blue water, white sand, palm trees, the sun is shining and all around there are people laughing, having fun and listening to happy music or enjoying excellent food and drinks.rnLucifer, dressed in a Hawaiian Shirt, greets the Atheist, hands him a fantastic- looking cocktail and says cheerfully: "Hey! Welcome to Hell. Have a drink, have a snack. Take a look around and enjoy yourself! See you later!" Totally speechless at first, the Atheist finally starts to take a look around, is greeted everywhere, listens to people´s stories about their mortal lives and takes a stroll down the beach. After a few minutes into the walk, he starts hearing cries of pain, wailing, shouts, and screams and decides to follow that noises. Finally, the Atheist arrives at the rim of a big, black hole, takes a look down and is scared to the bone! Down there, the place is all fire, sulfur, brimstone! Rivers of lava, gnarled trees, and among it all the lost souls, being tormented forever by demons and devils. "Whoa! Take it easy!" Lucifer jumps right in to prevent the Atheist from falling into that pit and he stumbles backward, drops into the sand and stammers: "Wha... what the HELL is that place?" Lucifer looks down, shrugs and says: "Oh, that´s the Catholic´s department. They want it that way."
Vote: has 61.43 % from 45 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: atheist, car, catholic, death, mean
Chuck Norris doesn't die...he just sleep in the ground for a little bit.
Vote: has 61.28 % from 16 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
In the game "Clue", the murder is always committed by Chuck Norris, with a roundhouse kick, in any room he danged well pleases.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, game
Chuck Norris can strum your pain with his fingers, tell your whole life with his words – but mainly just kill you softly with his song.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, life, music
Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead. Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
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More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death, life
It is better to enter the mouth of a tiger than a court of law.
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More jokes about: animal, death, lawyer
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Vote: has 61.25 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: alcohol, death, heaven
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'
Vote: has 61.25 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: car, death, lawyer, men
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him!
Vote: has 60.85 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: black humor, death


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