The best death jokes

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine died. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
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has 56.42 % from 114 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, funeral, music
A child walks into a whore house with a dead frog on a string trailing behind him. He makes his way up to the counter and says to the person behind such named counter to give him the most diseased woman you have. She looks down at him for a few moments and replies “I’m sorry but I don’t think I can help you….If you would like, we have this young petite thing that could be just what your looking for.” The child puts a 50 dollar bill on the table and repeats “I want the most diseased woman you have.” She looks down at the bill and hesitates but she says to him “I can’t, but we have this nice grandmotherly type for you to cuddle and snuggle up to.” The child looking irritated slams down another 50 dollar bill insisting that she give him the most diseased woman they have. A few moments go by and finally the lady agrees and tells him to go to room 114 and wait a few moments. As he goes up the stairs the dead frog on a string follows right behind him, hitting every step on the way. Half an hour go by and the child comes down the stairs with the dead frog trailing behind. As he is just about to step out the door and back outside the woman behind the counter stops him. “Excuse me, but I have on question before you go…what is the dead frog for? Turning around the child has a look of pure sencerity as he begins to explain. “I wanted the disease so I could give it to my sister, who would give it to my dad, who would give it to my mom, who would give it to the mail man…And that’s the Son of a Bitch who ran over my pet frog.”
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has 56.36 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, health, kids
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
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has 56.31 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, hunting
Q: What's the best way to talk to a velociraptor? A: Long distance!
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has 56.22 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, dinosaur
First man: "I follow the medical profession." Second man: "Are you a doctor?" First man: "No, I'm an undertaker."
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has 56.20 % from 39 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, medical, work
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11... a suicide.
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has 56.16 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, cop, death, phone
Q: How does an English man know that his wife has died? A: Sex is still the same but the dishes are stacked in the sink.
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has 56.06 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: death, sex, wife
Chuck Norris' yawn put people in comas.
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has 56.05 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Black preacher is driving home from church and sees the white preacher walking down the road. He reluctantly pulls over to offer him a ride. A short distance along the way the whit guy says " you people don't actually think Jesus was black do you?" "And what makes think he's not?" The black pastor snaps back. The conversation becomes so heated less than needed attention was paid to the road and both men died in a trgic head on collision. When st. Peter opened the pearly gates to heaven before them, there stood Jesus Christ himself. He spread his arms slowly in a welcoming gesture and said "Buenos dias amigos!"
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has 55.95 % from 184 votes. More jokes about: black people, church, death, god, heaven
The Expendables 2 is actually a documentary film showing Chuck Norris killing people.
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has 55.71 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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