A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Why do women make better soldiers? Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer. The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped. George thought to himself, “On no! I froze my aunt’s bird to death.” He opened the door and saw the bird alive! The bird said, “I’m sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again. George said, “Why the change?” The bird answered, “Because I saw what you did to the other bird."
If you write the Death Note on Chuck Norris, the Death Note dies.
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris once strangled a man with the mans own eyelash.
2PAC once thought he was tougher than Chuck Norris... he was later murdered.
Bruce Lee didn't die from an allergic reaction. He died cause Chuck Norris decided to not let him live anymore.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'