The best death jokes

How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
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has 54.45 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, fish
Q: What's the best way to talk to a velociraptor? A: Long distance!
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has 54.44 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, dinosaur
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
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has 54.18 % from 84 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, life, men, women
When Chuck Norris jumps from a building, the concrete commits suicide.
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has 54.18 % from 84 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Chuck Norris was asked to star in Night of the Living Dead but filming was ended after the zombies were to afraid to be roundhouse kicked in the face.
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has 54.04 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.  Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".  "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."  The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."  He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.  "Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"
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has 54.04 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, marriage, travel, wife
Q: What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: One says "See you later" and the other says "In a while".
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has 53.78 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, time
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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has 53.58 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, cop, death, work
No chicken dies a virgin. They get laid at birth *slaps knee*.
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has 53.58 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: animal, death
Q: What is the difference between Harry Potter and a jew? A: Harry Potter escaped the chamber.
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has 53.50 % from 297 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, jewish, morbid
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