The best death jokes

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete, darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go. ... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income-tax evasion to the government. . . ." "That's all right, sweetie, don't give it a second thought," answered Peter, "I'm the one who poisoned you."
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has 53.40 % from 194 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, money, wife
An American family has grandparents who live in Russia. Every month, the grandparents send a package of powder to the American family. The package always says: "Just add water."https://unijokes.com/ Every time the family does this the powder turns into a delicious soup. The soups are always different and the family is always excited to find out which new foreign flavor they get to try out. One day, the family receives a package in the mail containing some gray powder. Assuming that this is another soup, the family dumps it into a pot and adds some water. However, unlike all the other soups, this one t astes grainy and disgusting. The family still eats it though just to be polite. A week later, a letter from the grandpa comes in the mail saying: "Grandma Taya has died and I have sent the ashes to you. She wants to be scattered in America as that is her favorite place."
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has 53.35 % from 56 votes. More jokes about: death, ethnic, family, food, geography
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
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has 53.22 % from 75 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, life
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can’t find him!" St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn’t make it to Heaven." This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I’m in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn’t!"
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has 53.18 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: blonde, car, death, heaven, men
What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead black person in the road? There’s skid marks in front of the skunk.
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has 53.18 % from 252 votes. More jokes about: animal, black people, death
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family. A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
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has 53.07 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: death, family, school, sex, teacher
Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.
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has 53.07 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Roses are blue My thumb's got a sliver I drank far too much and I'm killing my liver.
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has 53.07 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, death, drunk, poems
When Death knocked on Chuck Norris’s door, Chuck Norris laughed. Death is now Chuck Norris’s B*tch.
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has 53.05 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Roses are red tulips are black. You'd look great with a knife in your back.
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has 53.03 % from 149 votes. More jokes about: death, morbid, poems
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