The best death jokes

Old Farmer Peter was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Peter: "But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Peter: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
Vote:
has 54.49 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: death, horse, marriage, wife
A man returns home and find his wife with his best friend. He takes out the gun and shoots his friend to death. His wife: "Listen, if you stay in such character, you will lose all your friends."
Vote:
has 54.49 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: death, friendship, marriage, wife
Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you." The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"
Vote:
has 54.38 % from 182 votes. More jokes about: car, death, marriage
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault. The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
Vote:
has 54.16 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, money
Yo mama so stupid... she died of starvation in a grocery store.
Vote:
has 54.15 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: death, stupid, Yo mama
Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
Vote:
has 54.15 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, work
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
Vote:
has 54.13 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, tax, work
So a blonde walks into a Bar at a hotel that has it on the top story and sits Down. A man in a Trench coat Leans over to her and says,"You should get this beer" *Holds up bottle* "It allows you to do amazing things!" At this the man stands up, jumps out the window and Flies around twice before coming back into the Building. The blonde then orders the Same beer. She drinks it. And then Jumps out the window. And falls to her death. The Owner of the Bar then turns to the man in the coat and says, "You know you're a real Prick when you're drunk, Superman."
Vote:
has 54.04 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: bar, beer, blonde, celebrity, death
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. Chuck Norris can see in the dark.
Vote:
has 53.78 % from 29 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, light bulb
Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete, darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go. ... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income-tax evasion to the government. . . ." "That's all right, sweetie, don't give it a second thought," answered Peter, "I'm the one who poisoned you."
Vote:
has 53.70 % from 193 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, money, wife
<<<39404142
More jokes →
Page 39 of 60.