The best death jokes

Once, on the set of Walker Texas Ranger, a goat fell over dead. Chuck Norris ran up to the goat and beard rubbed it back to life.
Vote: has 59.19 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death, life
You mamas so small she fell of her chair and committed suicide.
Vote: has 59.19 % from 15 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, insulting, Yo mama
Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
Vote: has 58.87 % from 39 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: atheist, church, death
An alien lord lands in the middle of the desert and demands to see the ruler of all this planet and make it bow to his will, except he made two grave mistakes, first he landed in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night and second he didn't know anything about the inhabitants. So he approaches the first life form he finds which was a gas pump and demands it to take him to the leader. Well it's a gas pump so it doesn't say anything obviously, getting aggravated he demands again but this time pulls his laser pistol and says "This is the last time I ask earthling!" Just then his general whispers to him "Hey calm down buddy don't mess with this guy, he's a badass motherfucker". Shrugging off his comrade he furiously demands a response and after brief moments of silence, he blasts the pump and BOOM! A huge explosion occurs and they land a mile away. As they sit there dusting themselves off the alien lord looks at the general and asks "We have conquered the cosmos and all sorts of life forms, I've never seen you sweat in the face of an adversary, how did you know this guy was such a badass motherfucker?" The general looks over and says "Man if you could wrap your dick around your body 3 times and then plug it in your ear, you are a badass motherfucker."
Vote: has 58.77 % from 36 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, desert island, life, morbid, vulgar
If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again.
Vote: has 58.75 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, heaven
A Shark alarm at Sydney’s Bondi Beach sent everyone rushing from the water –except for three young boys who didn’'t hear the siren. Onlookers were horrified to see a dorsel fin moving fast towards them. Suddenly, a tall bloke took a deep breath, dived into the surf, swam past the shark, and scooped up two of the boys, swiftly bringing them to the shore and safety. He then took another deep breath and swam out again, snatching the third boy before rapidly approaching, before the monster could attack. Then got him back to the beach in one piece. The heroic bloke then put a knife between his clenched teeth, swam out to the shark, and killed it in a furious battle. As he staggered out from the surf, bleeding and battered, a journalist raced up to him and said, “That was the most heroic thing I’'ve ever witnessed mate. This will appear on the front page of tomorrow’s newspaper: “Aussie hero saves three boys from killer shark!” “Thanks.” Smiles the fella, “but I'’m not an Aussie. I'’m a British backpacker.” “No worries,” said the journalist with a frown, “it'’ll still be front-page news.” The next day, the newspaper’s headline screamed, “Pommy bastard kills boy'’s pet fish!”
Vote: has 58.75 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, death
Q: What's the best way to talk to a velociraptor? A: Long distance!
Vote: has 58.67 % from 33 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: communication, death, dinosaur
A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it. Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire. Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
Vote: has 58.56 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, life, math
Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret? They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!
Vote: has 58.56 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: celebrity, death, IT, life, phone
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
Vote: has 58.56 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, Chuck Norris, death, food, morbid