The best death jokes

The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
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has 54.30 % from 191 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, Hitler, jewish
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead. Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault. The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all happened so fast!"
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has 54.16 % from 10 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, money
Yo mama so stupid... she died of starvation in a grocery store.
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has 54.15 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: death, stupid, Yo mama
Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead. I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.
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has 54.13 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: black humor, celebrity, death
A man returns home and find his wife with his best friend. He takes out the gun and shoots his friend to death. His wife: "Listen, if you stay in such character, you will lose all your friends."
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has 53.84 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: death, friendship, marriage, wife
Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete, darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go. ... I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex. And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income-tax evasion to the government. . . ." "That's all right, sweetie, don't give it a second thought," answered Peter, "I'm the one who poisoned you."
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has 53.70 % from 193 votes. More jokes about: death, marriage, money, wife
Roses are blue My thumb's got a sliver I drank far too much and I'm killing my liver.
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has 53.62 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, death, drunk, poems
On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either. The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. "What's wrong?" asked Johnny. "Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night."
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has 52.72 % from 132 votes. More jokes about: death, funeral, little Johnny
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stressed the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses would be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family. A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
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has 52.68 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: death, family, school, sex, teacher
Chuck Norris's tombstone will say, "He's finally taking a nap, do not wake."
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has 52.49 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, funeral
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