A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.” “Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?” “I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
Yo mama so fat she died.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways? "Dead."
Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common? A: Put either of 'em in a car and they're fucked.
Woman patient: "Doctor I was suffering so much that I wanted to die." Doctor: "You did the right thing to call me."
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago? Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
"My son, this is your senior year at school so your mom and I decided that you’re going to be a doctor." "But what are you saying dad? You know very well that I’m not in a position even to... kill a mosquito."