If you write the Death Note on Chuck Norris, the Death Note dies.
The more self-killers, the fewer self-killers.
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet? Because deep down they are really good people.
Two rabbis prepare to wash the cadaver of a recently deceased before burying him, according to a Jewish tradition. The deceased possessed a tremendous sexual organ. Aaron, you see what I am seeing? Yes Jacob, I see it... it is as mine. That long? No, that dead.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
Chuck Norris' Facebook status has a dislike button...nobody clicks it.
Good news, I've been given a goldfish for my birthday... The bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
They say sex is a killer... Do you want to die happy?
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.
The Karate Kid killed caught a fly with two chopsticks, Chuck Norris killed a rhino with one.