The best death jokes

No chicken dies a virgin. They get laid at birth *slaps knee*.
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has 56.77 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: animal, death
Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. "Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back." Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you." The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?" To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
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has 56.50 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: car, death, heaven, marriage, wedding
An old, old man was lying in his death bed upstairs. His most favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies. As he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies. He crawled out of bed and slowly limped down the stairs. Sure enough, across the kitchen, there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table. He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking hand towards the cookies. Suddenly, his wife slapped his hand sharply and yelled, "DON’T TOUCH THOSE - they’re for the funeral!"
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has 56.36 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: death, food, funeral, old people, wife
Q: What' is Hillary Clinton favorite movies? A: Kill BILL 1 and 2.
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has 56.36 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, marriage, political, sex
It is convenient to be near a hospital when you are injured. It is also convenient to insult Chuck Norris while standing in an open grave.
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has 56.05 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, funeral, hospital
Sylvester Stallone's son was found dead. I guess we have a good plot for the next Rambo movie now.
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has 55.87 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: black humor, celebrity, death
Q: What's the best way to talk to a velociraptor? A: Long distance!
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has 55.87 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, dinosaur
Q: Hey, what's the jew doing in the ashtray? A: Family research.
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has 55.71 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, family, jewish, war
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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has 55.71 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, lawyer, life, money
A rattle snake bit Chuck Norris in the leg and the snake died instantly!
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has 55.71 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
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