The best death jokes

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God… “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!” Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?” God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.” Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.” So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. “This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!” “Fine,” said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. “Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God. “Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked. Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?” God says, “That was the screen saver”.
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has 48.18 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: car, celebrity, death, god, IT
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
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has 48.13 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, death, money
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
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has 48.13 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, men
Chuck Norris did the blue whale challenge. By the 50th day, his instructor had jumped off the building.
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has 48.13 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, time
Chuck Norris' Facebook status has a dislike button...nobody clicks it.
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has 48.02 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, Facebook
Good news, I've been given a goldfish for my birthday... The bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
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has 47.97 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: birthday, black humor, death, fish, time
Little Johnny was a chemist. Little Johnny is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
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has 47.93 % from 94 votes. More jokes about: chemistry, death, little Johnny, stupid
A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.
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has 47.62 % from 25 votes. More jokes about: age, blonde, death, health, hospital
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
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has 47.24 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, work
Guns can kill, Chuck Norris does!
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has 47.24 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
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