The best death jokes

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? A: Because his wife died.
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has 54.80 % from 63 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, wife
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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has 54.66 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, lawyer, life, money
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is bloody low down"
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has 54.66 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: black humor, communication, death, drunk, travel
Chuck Norris' Facebook status has a dislike button...nobody clicks it.
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has 54.66 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, Facebook
Q: What is worse than ten dead people in one trashcan? A: One dead person in ten trashcans!
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has 54.59 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: death, disgusting
Old Farmer Peter was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Peter: "But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Peter: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
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has 54.49 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: death, horse, marriage, wife
Q: What is the difference between Harry Potter and a jew? A: Harry Potter escaped the chamber.
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has 54.16 % from 209 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, death, jewish, morbid
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, we have to be sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
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has 54.15 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: death, hunting, phone
Chuck Norris cleans up crime... with a mop and bucket... full of people's blood.
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has 54.15 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death
Yo mama so stupid... she died of starvation in a grocery store.
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has 54.15 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: death, stupid, Yo mama
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