The best death jokes

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.  Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".  "Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first." The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."  The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."  He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.  "Geez, thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?" "Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"
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has 50.29 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: animal, death, marriage, travel, wife
Little Johnny was a chemist. Little Johnny is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
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has 50.06 % from 72 votes. More jokes about: chemistry, death, little Johnny, stupid
Chuck Norris used to be a soccer referee. He lost the job after giving penalties to the players: Death Penalty.
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has 49.93 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, soccer
Yo mama's so overweight she kills thousands just by sitting down.
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has 49.93 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: death, fat, Yo mama
Mary held her little daughter, twenty minutes under water. Not to care for any troubles, just to look at those funny bubbles.
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has 49.79 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: baby, death, morbid, poems
Two rabbis prepare to wash the cadaver of a recently deceased before burying him, according to a Jewish tradition. The deceased possessed a tremendous sexual organ. Aaron, you see what I am seeing? Yes Jacob, I see it... it is as mine. That long? No, that dead.
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has 49.69 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: death, jewish, sex
My dad died on 9-11. He was the best amateur bomber on Iraq's flight team.
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has 49.69 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: black humor, dad, death, terrorist
George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer. The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped. George thought to himself, “On no! I froze my aunt’s bird to death.” He opened the door and saw the bird alive! The bird said, “I’m sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again. George said, “Why the change?” The bird answered, “Because I saw what you did to the other bird."
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has 49.61 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: animal, bird, death, parrot
It takes a master to shoot a fly from a hundred Paces, but it takes a Chuck Norris to roundhouse-kick one from a thousand.
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has 49.61 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: animal, Chuck Norris, death
Good news, I've been given a goldfish for my birthday... The bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
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has 49.54 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: birthday, black humor, death, fish, time
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