The best death jokes

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!
Vote: has 33.28 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, funeral, management, navy
Yo mama so fat she died.
Vote: has 32.62 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, death, fat, insulting
Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?  A: Put either of 'em in a car and they're fucked.
Vote: has 32.62 % from 25 votes. Send joke:

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"My son, this is your senior year at school so your mom and I decided that you’re going to be a doctor." "But what are you saying dad? You know very well that I’m not in a position even to... kill a mosquito."
Vote: has 31.97 % from 28 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, school
Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear. The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him. The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
Vote: has 31.56 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, sport
Q: What's a polygon? A: A dead parrot.
Vote: has 30.56 % from 40 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bird, death, math, parrot
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer’.” “But that won’t let people know who it is!” protested the lawyer. “Sure it will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, “That’s impossible!”
Vote: has 30.41 % from 9 votes. Send joke:

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Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Vote: has 30.41 % from 9 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, lawyer, morbid
One man enters in an ambulant and says to the doctor: - Help me, please. I have a knife in my back. The doctor, looking his watch says: - Now is 2:20 PM, and I work till 2, so as you can imagine I've finished for today, and I can’t help you. Be so kind and come tomorrow morning, at 8. - But tomorrow morning I will be dead. You must help me now. The doctor, angrily says: - I explained to you gently that I've finished my shift for today, and that I can't do nothing for you. You must pass here tomorrow. - But, until tomorrow I will lose all my blood, and I will be dead. Don’t you see that I have a knife in the back. The doctor, already very angry and irritate extracts the knife from the back, and put it in the patients’ eye. - Now you can go to ophthalmologist, he works till 3 PM.
Vote: has 30.36 % from 43 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, death, doctor, time
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl. So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there. The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died." "Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?" The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
Vote: has 30.11 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: death, funeral, sport, wife